Ace Survey

Taken from Asexual Walks of Life.

1. How do you define your asexuality?

I'm not sexually attracted to people-- I feel no desire to seek out sexual partners, nor any sense of urgency regarding seeking out sex partners or having sex. I've never met anybody I actively desired to have sex with.

I think under certain circumstances, I would want to have sex, though with what urgency or frequency I don't know. From where I'm standing, it makes perfect sense to want to have sex but not be sexually attracted to people. I more actively want various forms of physical intimacy, including some that most people would consider sexual, but they're not sexual to me.

2. Are you out? If so, has that caused you problems? What was coming out like for you?

I am out to my immediate family, some close friends, and the Internet. My family seems uncomfortable with the subject; I was asked why I would tell people something like that, and that lots of people go through a phase where they decide to focus on something else. They're supportive, though, just not... terribly comfortable, if that makes sense. From my friends I got some good reactions as well as some squares on the bingo card, like "I can't conceive of what you're telling me" (not asexuality as a whole, but my specific experience of it), and "you should consider how frequently you masturbate."

3. Do you have any fears, specifically as an asexual person?

Living and dying alone.

Oh, and Muller's ratchet.

4. How did you figure out that you were asexual?

At first I thought I might be demisexual, but then I started really thinking about what sexual attraction is and what it would feel like to be sexually attracted to a person, and I realized I'm either grey-a or asexual. I identify as asexual these days-- I seem to be less repulsed and more open to the possibility of sex under the right circumstances than many other aces I've met, but I don't think that makes me grey-a.

5. Do you have an asexual role-model? Who? Why?

Nope.

6. How do you feel about romance? What about dating outside of the asexual community, i.e. a sexual person?

The thing is that I'm aromantic, or ???romantic, in that I'm not romantically attracted to people, but I still very much have the desire for intimacy that's traditionally associated with romance. The idea of dating (or being in some sort of non-platonic relationship) has appeal to me because I do want many of the things that come with romance, marriage and sex, just not... for the reasons most other people want them. I dated sexual people before I realized I was asexual (though largely within the context of a Christian community where celibacy is widely accepted), and I would be open to doing it again with the right person.

7. How connected do you, personally, feel to the queer community? What have your experiences, if any, been like with them?

I do not identify as queer. I don't have an opinion on the "are asexuals inherently queer" debate other than that the amount of acephobia and homophobia that has come out of it is unfortunate, it's not acceptable to force labels on people (ie calling heteroromantic asexuals straight), and a few members of the queer community have evinced really puzzling levels of hostility outside of the other acephobia-homophobia back and forth. I guess that's to be expected with any community, though. The queer friends to whom I am out have been very supportive.

8. What are your pet peeves that people bring up when you are discussing sexuality/asexuality?

There's no such thing as asexual/most women are asexual/you just haven't met the right person yet/get your hormones checked.

And on the other side of things, how can you be asexual if you masturbate/how can you be asexual if you're not repulsed/how can you be asexual if you're repulsed/how can you be asexual if you want to have sex.

Oh, and the relationship/significant other: using "relationship" when you specifically mean a sexual and/or romantic relationship, and significant other when you specifically mean a sexual and/or romantic significant other.

9. What are some of the best and worst experiences you’ve had with peoples’ opinions of asexuality?

Best? I have one or three friends who have been super-supportive, and to whom I can talk knowing that they don't think there's anything "wrong" with me, even when I feel broken.

Worst? Either the Savage Love columns, or the Feministe dealbreakers thread. (I should say that Chally also had a Feministe post about asexuality, Not Sexual Justice From Where I'm Standing, that was really excellent.)

10. Do you see yourself in a committed relationship eventually? Are you in one now? Do you even want one? Have you given up?

Please see above re: "relationship." I would be cool being married under the right circumstances, or alternately, strengthening my existing friendships and making new ones so I know that there are people who will always be there for me, for whom I will always be there, with the intensity you might treat a romantic relationship. Actually, the best thing would be to have all of the above.

11. Are you sex-positive? What does that mean to you?

I think the best way I've seen it put is "I'm 'the-sex-that-you-want-to-have'-positive." Sex by itself is a neutral thing.

12. What sort of future do you want for asexuals, in terms of visibility, laws, etc?

I want people to know what asexuality is so no one grows up thinking they're broken because they're not sexually attracted to anyone. I want therapists and doctors to know that asexuality is a valid sexual orientation and doesn't need treatment. I want the general public to know what asexuality is and accept it, so we stop getting erased. I want people to know that it's not acceptable to try to "fix" someone who's asexual in any way, especially by trying to coerce them into sex. I want a world where platonic relationships are not devalued in comparison to romantic and/or sexual relationships. I want a world where no one gets kicked out of their house for being asexual, whether by their parents or by their spouse or sexual/romantic partner. I want a world where asexuals can find partners or significant others to whom they matter just as much as a sexual person would.

I'm not sure about laws. I'd have to think about that one more.

13. Is there anything in particular that you want me to educate the group on? Anything that I missed in this questionnaire, keeping in mind that it will be largely an overview with Q&A and discussion after?

Please see above re: relationships.