Why Young People are leaving the church

Dear church,

You don't get it.

You wring your hands and ask why Young People are leaving the church, and when we try to tell you, you fire us.  When we come forward with our honest questions, you tell us that the problem is we're having too much sex and it's making us doubt. 

The problem is that a lot of the time, you don't actually want to know why Young People are leaving. What you're really asking is, how can we convince Young People to stay without changing our bigotry, our intolerance, our sexism, our corruption, our hypocrisy, our terrible stewardship, and our grossly misplaced priorities? How can we convince Young People to stay without taking the logs out of our eyes? And when we tell you, you can't, you throw your hands up and decry our lack of morals.

Don't get me wrong: my generation is also bigoted, intolerant, sexist, corrupt, and hypocritical. But the institution that's supposed to model a better way for us is failing us.

In my lifetime, the one single issue that has motivated the church to its greatest heights of passion and activity has been banning same-sex marriage. It has not been ending poverty, or ending world hunger, or ending systematic injustice. You may think I'm wrong. I'm open to reasonable evidence. Show me the ballot initiatives to amend state constitutions to prohibit discrimination on any grounds. Show me the enormous rallies against child hunger. Show me the presidential candidates who give their position statements on poverty as a bellwether of their faith. Show me the denominations publicly chastising other denominations for not doing enough to feed the hungry. Show me the churches splitting away from their own denominations because those denominations aren't taking a firm enough stance against injustice.

You may now be saying, “But protecting the sanctity of marriage is important!” I am not going to argue with you about what the sanctity of marriage is or how it is best protected. I will simply ask, is preventing same-sex marriage more important than ending world hunger, human trafficking, slavery, sexual assault and rape, systemic poverty, economic exploitation, genocide, and our systematic degradation of God's creation? Because the church is acting like it is.

And if it is, then I don't want to be a part of your church.

I am not leaving the Church. But I am leaving your church. I am a Young Person, and I have told you why.

Will you listen?

Asexuality: Classification and Characterization

Title: Asexuality: Classification and Characterization

Author(s): Nicole Prause, Cynthia A. Graham

Citation: Archives of Sexual Behavior (2007), volume 36, pp. 341-356

Abstract: The term “asexual” has been defined in many different ways and asexuality has received very little research attention. In a small qualitative study (N = 4), individuals who self-identified as asexual were interviewed to help formulate hypotheses for a larger study. The second larger study was an online survey drawn from a convenience sample designed to better characterize asexuality and to test predictors of asexual identity. A convenience sample of 1,146 individuals (N = 41 self-identified asexual) completed online questionnaires assessing sexual history, sexual inhibition and excitation, sexual desire, and an open-response questionnaire concerning asexual identity. Asexuals reported significantly less desire for sex with a partner, lower sexual arousability, and lower sexual excitation but did not differ consistently from non-asexuals in their sexual inhibition scores or their desire to masturbate. Content analyses supported the idea that low sexual desire is the primary feature predicting asexual identity.

Why I love my menstrual cup

 Content note: obviously, this post talks about menstruation

One thing I did for environmental reasons that I ended up loving for its practicality and ease of use was buy and use a menstrual cup. For those of you who don't know what I'm talking about, a menstrual cup is a reusable, bell-shaped vessel about two inches long (this can vary), usually made out of rubber or silicone, that is inserted into the vagina, creates a “seal” with the vaginal wall up near the cervix, and catches menstrual blood as it comes out of the uterus. They serve as a replacement for pads and tampons.

For those of you who do know what I'm talking about and want more details, the kind I bought was a silicone DivaCup, the smaller size for nulliparous women. When I bought mine (I think I was a freshman in college, to give you an idea) there weren't nearly so many kinds as there are now. This morning I went to menstrual_cups, a LiveJournal community dedicated to the subject, and counted about twenty kinds now listed in the sidebar, only half of which I recognized. I would imagine that the proliferation of kinds makes it easier to find something for almost any body and comfort preferences, but also that having so many options makes it harder to choose.

Growing up Asexual in Christian Purity Culture

 Growing up asexual in Christian purity culture was weird, though I didn't realize it at the time.

I wasn't immersed in the strictest of it. I never took a purity pledge or went to a purity ball. I certainly was never expected to “court” rather than date. (I didn't date much, but that's a story for another time.) I knew, though, that my parents and the members of my church expected that I wouldn't have sex until I were married, and that I was supposed to regard premarital sex as sinful. There were a lot of other messages floating around about how I had to be prepared to resist this strong temptation, and I was. I was so prepared.

I was not, however, tempted.

I think I felt slightly smug, or at least accomplished, that “staying pure” was so easy for me. I didn't understand how anyone could possibly have a problem with it. I extrapolated from my not wanting sex or feeling attraction to anyone, to assuming that none of my peers felt attraction to anyone, either. I thought that they were having sex because of peer pressure. I thought that I was able to resist the temptation I was supposed to feel because I was so good at standing up to peer pressure. I probably felt a little superior. I made it to eighteen and was still expecting that at some point in the future, I would reach a natural age to “want” sex.

Thankfully, I grew out of the judging. I never grew out of not wanting sex. I was probably twenty before I started to realize that sex just wasn't my particular temptation, and it took more time after that to realize that I was, in fact, asexual. I'm not sure, but I think the messages I received from my Christian subculture, that sexual temptation was inevitable and I needed to be prepared to resist it, delayed my realization that there was something inherently different about me. Because sexual attraction was presented as universal, along with the temptation to have sex, I thought for years that I would eventually experience it. On one hand, I got off much easier than some of my peers-- I had no internal battle between what my church told me was right and what I wanted to do. On the other hand, the messages I got kept me in the dark about my own sexual orientation for a long time.

I didn't escape damage from purity culture entirely. Like many other people, I was convinced that masturbation was a terrible sexual sin, and it took me a long time to get over that. But in some way, because I simply had no desire or reason whatsoever to go against its demands, being asexual gave me a pass from some of the worst experiences of purity culture. I'm honestly not sure how I feel about that.

The Value of Joan Watson

(spoilers through episode 16, "Details")

When the premise of CBS's "Elementary" was revealed, and we learned that Watson's character would be female, I and many other people were concerned about how it would read to have a woman in a role that's often been portrayed as "lesser" than Holmes in many ways. In both the Guy Ritchie movies and the BBC Sherlock TV series, for example, Watson is a long-suffering friend who experiences considerable inconvenience and embarrassment serving the whims of a domineering Holmes. It would have been unpleasant to see a female Watson placed into this situation, another in a long line of women on TV catering to great men. That this Watson had already been explicitly portrayed as a caretaker of Holmes added to my concern.

However, "Elementary" pleasantly surprised me, and continued to far exceed my expectations. Lucy Liu's Joan Watson and Jonny Lee Miller's Sherlock Holmes have a much less dysfunctional dynamic than any other modern adaptation I have seen, and this Watson makes it clear exactly how far she will accept Holmes's less courteous behaviors. The show portrays Joan Watson as a valued and valuable character, and I will examine three of the ways in which it does so.

Joan Watson is a caretaker, a stereotypically female role. We know that caretaking work, for example, of children, the elderly, or the ill, is often un- or undervalued, and un- or underpaid. Women are often expected to fulfill this caretaking work in addition to their careers, and absorb any financial penalty; when caretaking work is a career, as in teaching at the pre-college level, it often pays terribly. Watson's caretaker role, though, is different. She's paid for it, and it's implied that she's paid a lot. The work that she does as a caretaker is portrayed as valuable because we can, literally, put a value on it.

Holmes also tells Watson that she and her work are valuable. Sometimes it's in a backhanded way, as when he praises her to her family and then pretends he didn't mean any of it. Sometimes it's with great sincerity, as in the scene where he asks her to stay; he doesn't praise her here, but what she does is so important to him that he asks her to become his partner. By the 16th episode, Holmes, who in the first episodes consistently denigrated Watson's work, has come to value her and her work so highly that he is willing to call her partner. Holmes values Watson, and he explicitly tells her so.

Finally, we see that not only is the show willing to put financial value on Watson's work, so is Holmes. He's willing to dig into his savings, which are finite, in order to pay her. This can be read in multiple ways, though, and the interpretation that he is paying her to stick around and be his friend is unpleasant. But we know that, for Watson, it's not about the money; she's been digging into her own savings in order to stay with Holmes. What about him, then? From his point of view, he could have done two things: he could have asked her to stay on permanently with him and not offered to pay her, leaving her without a source of income, essentially asking her to deplete her savings because working with him was worth the price. Or he could have offered to pay her, risking the implication that he was paying her to be his friend, but also implying that her time is valuable and her work is valuable. I think he made the right choice.

There are other, smaller clues. Gregson goes from not knowing how to introduce "Miss Watson," towards the beginning of the season, to referring to "his associates, Holmes and Watson" by the 16th episode. We see Watson's value as a surgeon when she saves the life of a girl who'd received the wrong diagnosis. During the scene where Holmes joins the Watson family for dinner, we see him go out of his way to make sure Watson's family understand the value of what she does.

There are a lot of reasons why I like "Elementary," but the way that Joan Watson is portrayed as an equal partner with Sherlock Holmes, respected and valued by him, by the other characters, and by the show itself, is a big one.

Towards a Conceptual Understanding of Asexuality

Taking the papers chronologically, next we have another from Bogaert in 2006.

Title: Towards a Conceptual Understanding of Asexuality

Author(s): Anthony F. Bogaert

Citation: Review of General Psychology, Vol. 10, No. 3 (2006), pp. 241-250

Abstract: “Asexuality has been the subject of recent academic (A. F. Bogaert, 2004) and public (e.g., New Scientist; CNN) discourse. This has raised questions about the conceptualization and definition of asexuality. Here the author reviews some of these issues, discusses asexuality from a sexual orientation point of view (i.e., as a lack of sexual attraction), and reviews the similarities and differences between this definition and related phenomena (e.g., hypoactive sexual desire disorder). Finally, the author concludes that the term asexuality should not necessarily be used to describe a pathological of health-compromised state.”

My Feelings on Significant Others

I wasn't expecting to write a post for this carnival, because I'm aromantic and dating isn't very important to me. Then I happened to check the original post and saw that the topic also included “significant others,” and that put a new spin on things.

I happened to be looking through the Book of Common Prayer recently, and I stumbled upon the order for marriage. There are things here I don't agree with, like that marriage is intended “for the procreation of children and their nurture in the knowledge and love of the Lord,” and that it is specifically for heterosexual couples, but that's not what I'm going to talk about here.

The 1979 order for marriage contains the following:

“In the Name of God, I, N., take you, N., to be my wedded (wife) (husband), to have and to hold from this day forward, for better for worse, for richer for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, till death do us part, according to God's holy ordinance; and thereto I (plight) (give) thee my troth.”

Definitions of Arousal and Sexual Desire from Scarleteen

Someone in the asexual tags on Tumblr linked to this article recently and I thought it was really good. I don't remember who it was, but if it was you, I will happily add the credit.

Sexual Response and Orgasm: A User's Guide

It defines five aspects of the sexual response, but there were two I found particularly interesting, desire and arousal:

Desire, in a sexual context, is the strong physical, chemical, intellectual and emotional wish or want to participate in any sexual activity; to experience a desire or urge for some kind of sex. Desire for sexual activity is like being hungry in order to eat: if you aren't hungry, eating doesn't tend to feel good. It's a matter of having a sexual appetite at a given time. If you don't have a feeling of sexual desire, sex either with our self or with a partner isn't going to feel very good. We achieve desire any number of ways, but it is generally not primarily physical, but instead also sensory -- based in all or any of our senses of sight, sound, smell, touch, taste - emotional, intellectual and, when we're talking about sex with someone else, interpersonal.

We must usually experience desire to feel sexually aroused. People sometimes describe sexual desire as being "hungry" or "horny." We may feel sexual desire towards a particular person, or we may feel it simply in and of itself, a kind of free-floating feeling of wanting to be sexual.

It sounds to me like the description of sexual desire here, when person-oriented, is sexual attraction. (For that reason, I disagree that sex without sexual desire isn't going to feel very good, because I know that some aces speak from experience and say otherwise.) I like the distinction between person-oriented desire and "free-floating" desire, especially in conjunction with the distinction between desire and arousal. Here is how arousal is defined:

Arousal is a state of sexual excitement that sends messages to your brain which create physical changes and sensations in your whole body as well as your genitals, readying us for sex of any kind.

When we're aroused, our blood pressure rises, our heartbeat and breathing quicken, and our body becomes far more sensitive and receptive to touch. Sometimes users write in to us saying they just "aren't feeling anything" with various kinds of partnered sex or masturbation: if and when that is the case, chances are that person just isn't all that aroused. We can be aroused by physical stimulus as well as by intellectual, emotional or hormonal stimulus, and arousal is usually about a combination of those things. We can be aroused by all of these things, or only some of them, or even just one of them at any given time, with or without physical stimulation. For instance, we might become aroused by being kissed or touched, but we may also become aroused simply by the sound of someone's voice, our own thoughts or our creative imagination.

It's important to note that we don't all experience the same things as seeming sexual. We're also not all aroused by the same things. What seems sexy or arousing to any one of us differs from person to person based on our individual personalities, our life experience, our particular body sensitivities, and what we were raised to interpret as sexually or sensually exciting.

But when we are aroused, we all usually have some fairly similar bodily responses.

One of the primary physical responses to arousal is called vasocongestion, which means the increased flow of of blood to the genital tissues (and/or breasts and nipples), and the condition of those tissues becoming swollen with blood. This is how the penis becomes erect, and how the clitoris and labia also become erect, and the vagina produces a slippery lubrication. As arousal continues folks with a vagina, the uppermost third of the vaginal canal also expands and loosens a bit, which can result in an emptier or larger feeling inside the vagina.

These three categories of things make a lot of sense to me, and I feel kind of validated that someone else finds the distinctions between the three worthwhile. I've never experienced the kind of person-oriented sexual desire that the author describes, but arousal and "free-floating" desire have seemed to me like two sides of the same coin. One is largely physical, and the other is largely mental. Sometimes they occur together, but, in contrast to the experiences of the author, each also occurs without the other. In my experience, sexual desire without arousal makes it hard to have a satisfying sexual experience, while arousal without desire means I don't really want to have any sexual experience. (The existence of aces who have sex clearly shows that not every ace feels like me.)

I like these definitions because they make sense to me, as an ace, and they lay out distinctions that have been important to me, that I rarely find discussed. Reading this article has helped solidify my understanding of sexual attraction (sometimes it's hard to understand things you don't experience!); now I think of it as sexual desire oriented towards a person or a group of people.

Thanks, Scarleteen, for having an easy-to-understand and ace-friendly article!

Asexuality: Prevalence and Associated Factors in a National Probability Sample

This is the beginning of an attempt to make the research on asexuality more accessible. I'll be going through the relatively small body of literature on human asexuality and summarizing the papers, pulling out what I think are the most important and interesting points. It is not my intention to thoroughly critically analyze every paper, but to present thought-provoking and informative material. Bogaert's 2004 paper identifying the 1.05% seemed like a good place to start.

Carnival of Aces Roundup

The theme for September was unity and diversity in the asexual community. Next month will be hosted by Concept Awesome, and the prompt has already been posted. Asexual Agenda is looking for people to host future months of the Carnival, as currently, no one has signed up past October. If you're interested, head over to the Masterpost.

Without further ado, the submissions!