Yes Means Yes: Asexuality and Enthusiastic Consent

Since I blog about environmental issues on here, most of you probably don't know that I'm asexual. If you're not familiar with asexuality, AVEN has a good primer, though I find that the definitions at AVEN tend to be slanted towards the repulsed side of the community, and inadvertently erase some asexuals. The short version: asexuality is a sexual orientation defined by a lack of sexual attraction towards people. Think of it as heterosexuality being attraction to the opposite sex, homosexuality being attraction to the same sex, bisexuality being attraction to both sexes, and asexuality being attraction to neither or no sex. Subsets of the asexual community include grey-asexuals, who find themselves somewhere between being asexual and sexual, and demisexuals, who only experience sexual attraction with people they have a strong emotional/romantic bond with. Some asexuals are romantic-- heteroromantic, homoromantic, biromantic, etc-- and some are aromantic, with variations in between.

Now that the 101 is out of the way for new readers, on to the meat of this post. A Feministe post on enthusiastic consent got me thinking that it might not be a bad idea to talk about this asexual's misgivings about enthusiastic consent. I think the idea of yes means yes-- that is, not taking the absence of a "no" as sufficient proof of consent to sexual activity, but requiring the presence of a "yes"-- is really important, but I'm not sure we should consider "enthusiasm" a necessary part of the yes.

So: some asexuals identify as repulsed, meaning they're not interested in sex and in some cases find it repugnant, and some identify as indifferent, meaning anything from actual indifference to liking sex. A lot of people think asexuals liking sex is a preposterous or contradictory idea, but asexuality is defined by a lack of sexual attraction; it's not defined by a lack of libido/sex drive or by an inability to get aroused. Some asexuals experience these things also, but other asexuals masturbate and/or find the act of sex enjoyable.

Why would asexuals want to have sex? Well, as I just said, there's nothing in the definition of asexuality that stipulates a dislike of sex itself; it's just that not being sexually attracted to anyone can, as you might imagine, reduce interest in the subject. But some asexuals have sex for the physical pleasure, some have sex for the emotional intimacy, for the physical contact with their partner, because they like making their partner feel good, or some combination of these (and other) factors.

This is a lead-up to saying there are several reasons asexuals might want to have sex, or be willing to have sex, but that doesn't mean we're necessarily going to be enthusiastic about it; I would imagine that being sexually attracted to your partner would add a certain urgency or drive to the proceedings. Lacking that urgency or drive, however, doesn't mean the asexual lacks agency, a knowledge of hir own desires, or a willingness or desire to have sex.

It's perfectly possible and maybe even probable for an asexual person to consent to sex with a sexual person, and to want to have sex, but to not feel urgently enough about it to be at the "responding passionately, kissing you back, saying things like 'Yes' or 'Oh my God, don't stop'" headspace that's detailed in the Feministe post. And depending what it means to be "into" your partner "in bed," as detailed in this related post from the Yes Means Yes blog, that's a standard that asexuals cannot, by definition, meet. You can be into the act without being into your partner. You can be into the act without gasping about it, becoming incoherent, or leaving nailmarks on your partner's back.

Others have proposed alternative terms to "enthusiastic consent" to account for this wrinkle. Andrea on the Feministe comment thread uses "explicit consent"; one of my friends has suggested "affirmative consent"; Jaclyn Friedman mentions "active consent." Some of the nuances are addressed relatively well in the comments of the Yes Means Yes post, including the idea that yes means yes is a concept meant to keep people from raping, not from being raped-- that is, it means you need to make sure your partner actually wants to have sex with you, not just isn't saying no. Some commenters mention that the enthusiasm doesn't have to be for your partner, or for the sex itself; it can be for the physical pleasure, for the bonding, etc. I think that's a good way of putting it, though it may come with its own set of problems.

Other takes on asexuality and enthusiastic consent can be found at Writing from Factor X and the ace community on Tumblr. None of these posts are answers; this one is an attempt at an explanation and dialogue, so we can refine the (really good) concept of "yes means yes" so that it doesn't erase anybody's sexual orientation or agency.