Trigger warning for rape and sexual assault, as well as acephobia and suicide. General non-trigger warning for gloom.
Inspired by the recent attempts to tease out whether or not sexual privilege exists, I decided to start a place where we could make a community effort to compile some of the less-frequently talked about negative experiences of being ace, grey-ace, or demi. Everyone knows about being told asexuality only applies to bacteria, being told you're broken, or that your sexual orientation is made up, stupid, or inherently misogynist or slut-shaming, but there are more serious issues that don't seem to come up a lot. These are anecdotes, and there are no numbers. We don't know how widespread these things are; we don't even know how many asexuals there are. A lack of much hard data is one of the problems in the asexual community. Please, please, contribute in the comments! (I'm not trying to erase grey-aces and demis; please read "asexuals" as a broad category that includes these orientations. Also, after some thought, I have decided not to link to the specific places I found asexuals talking about corrective rape, because I wasn't sure if the people talking about their experiences would be okay with being singled out like that.)
1.) Asexuals can marry, if their chosen romantic or platonic partner is, in the state or country where they reside, considered the opposite sex, or if they live in a state that permits same-sex marriage. However, in several states, non-consummation of a marriage is considered grounds for annulment, which offers fewer legal protections than does a divorce. (Of course, some or many asexuals have sex.)
2.) Asexuals report experiencing corrective rape, corrective sexual assault, and threats of such, from both straight people and queer people.
3.) Asexuals can be subject to or coerced into unwanted, unneeded, and invasive medical procedures and treatments based on an assumption of their sexual activeness (though asexual and celibate are not synonyms; many people who are not sexually active are not asexual, and many asexuals are sexually active). An example would be a Pap smear, or hormonal birth control-- or hormone therapy.
4.) I've seen at least one report of an ace kid being beat up at school, specifically for being ace. (I didn't link to this one because I can't remember where I saw it. If anyone does, please link me. I think it was in the comment section of an imbroglio, either at ontd_f or sf_drama.)
5.) At least some groups of at least two major world religions that I know of teach that it is a spouse's responsibility to have sex with or please their spouse sexually. Some people argue (quite wrongly, of course) that failure to do so is grounds for justifying the infidelity of their spouse.
6.) A wildly unscientific AVEN survey reports that about 65% of asexuals surveyed have seriously considered committing suicide; about 30% felt that their asexuality was connected to considering suicide.
7.) While some or many aces consider themselves introverted and are happier either being alone or having clear boundaries to mark of when and where they can be alone, asexuals who feel otherwise may be more likely to end up alone or more lonely than they would like, since asexuals, aromantics, and double aces don't participate or can have trouble participating in some of the ways our society considers most significant for forming deep bonds. Being alone can be distressing in many ways, ranging from the practical like having no one to execute your power of attorney, to higher blood pressure and greater risk of depression.
8.) Asexuals and aromantics whose primary intimate relationships don't take the form of marriage or civil union may have trouble with things limited by law to family members. For example, in many places only family members can ride with someone in an ambulance or visit them in certain wards of hospitals. As far as I know, mechanisms to designate a non-family member as legally able to do these things are few and far between.
What am I missing? Let's discuss in the comments.
4 comments:
#3 is so true. When ever the subject of gynecological exams comes up, it is assumed that EVERY woman needs to have one. I'm ace and a virgin and I see no reason to submit myself to an unnecessary, invasive, uncomfortable exam. I have not risk factors and I just fail to see to the point. But when I say this, I always get the "well, you never know" and "you might have CANCER." I have avoided the subject with doctors for years, mostly but having selective memory and telling nurses I've been seen elsewhere. It is a shame I have to lie, but it sure is easier.
I've been lucky enough to have a doctor who told me there was no reason for her to give me an exam if I wasn't having sex, but I know not everyone has doctors like that.
It is true that there are some gynecological issues that are separate from sex, so it's not like aces can take themselves out of the game entirely, but it would be nice if the medical establishment could realize that not everyone needs to be treated like they're sexually active.
#8 does worry me. I'm not so much scared of being alone, since I've always been able to make friends in the past. I am a bit scared of being legally alone in my old age - even if I have close friends then, it's not that unlikely that both my brother and I might end up unmarried and childless, so whichever of us goes first will leave the other in a bit of a legal bind when it comes to health care.
As for more for the list - the one I see over and over is difficulty with therapists. That sort of falls under unnecessary and unwanted medical procedures, but a specific note about assumed mental and emotional health problems would not go amiss.
@ Spoofmaster:
Yeah, I used to consider whether or not I wanted children, and then I realized that the reason I named first for wanting them was always, "To have someone to look after me when I'm old." which is not, to me, a good reason to bring children into the world (though adoption is another story).
Speaking of kids, Sciatrix made a great post about not being able to have kids; combined with your point about therapists, I think that's material for Being Ace, part 2.
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