Asexuality 101/201: Aces and Sex

The definition of asexuality is a lack of sexual attraction to either or any sex or gender.

Let me repeat that: the sexual orientation that is asexuality constitutes a lack of sexual attraction to either or any sex or gender.

Asexuality is not a lack of romantic attraction, celibacy, a lack of sensual or aesthetic appreciation or attraction, an inability to experience sexual arousal, or a dislike for sex. Any or all of these things can coincide with asexuality, but they do not have to. Being asexual does not mean you do not experience love or form deep and meaningful relationships.

Alongside asexuality, and usually considered part of the asexual umbrella, are two other sexual orientations, grey-asexuality and demisexuality. Grey-asexuality is usually used to describe people who experience sexual attraction occasionally, but infrequently enough that they are still significantly different from sexual people. Grey-asexuality is also used to describe people who, for whatever reason, identify as "mostly" asexual but don't feel like asexuality is a total fit for them. Demisexuality is used to describe people who only experience sexual attraction to someone with whom they have formed a strong emotional bond, which can be romantic or not. Demisexuals are often accused of being slut-shaming, because the definition is often abbreviated to "I don't like to have sex with people I don't know." I can see how people can interpret this as slut shaming, but it's not. There's no reason a demisexual couldn't have sex with a complete stranger; it's just that, in that scenario, the demisexual would be functionally asexual.

The asexual community, like any other community, is not monolithic. Asexual people run the gamut of ages, races, cultures, religions or lack thereof, sexes, genders, romantic orientations (usually given as homoromanticism, biromanticism, panromanticism, heteroromanticism, and aromanticism), and levels of libido/sex drive (there's dissent in the ace community about what exactly the difference between those two is; more on that in a minute). Some asexuals are abled and some are not; some are cisgendered and some are transgendered; some identify as queer, and some do not (and I am not touching that debate with a ten foot stick, and I would appreciate if you would not do so in the comments); some identify as gendered and some do not.

Asexual people also have a wide variety of views and feelings towards sex and everything to do with it. Some asexuals don't like to be touched; some asexuals like to be touched but don't like any sexual interactions; some like both platonic and sexual interactions. Some asexuals are libidinous, and some are not; for the purposes of this discussion, libidinous means seeking orgasms and sexual gratification, and one's sex drive is a measure of the degree to which one is libidinous. Some asexuals, therefore, have a low sex drive, and some have a high sex drive. Some masturbate, and some don't. Some watch porn, and some don't. Some have sex, and some don't; some asexuals are "repulsed," which basically means they don't like the idea of sex or anything sexual, and some are "indifferent," which doesn't actually mean indifferent but basically means "not repulsed." (I think we need a third category, which I'm going to define as "interested.") Being repulsed or indifferent does not necessarily correlate with having sex or not having sex.

Most allosexual people tend to understand asexuals who don't have or want sex. Asexuals who have, enjoy, or want sex tend to be more confusing. Here's a list of why asexuals might be interested in or have sex despite not experiencing sexual attraction:

1.) For many or most people, orgasms and the sexual stimulation leading up to them feel good.
2.) Many people enjoy physical intimacy with someone they love, whether or not this intimacy is sexual.
3.) Many people enjoy doing fun things with someone they love.
4.) Many people enjoy pleasing their partners, whether emotionally, sexually, sensually, or a combination thereof.
5.) Many people enjoy experiencing emotional intimacy or connection with their partners, and sex is often a way to achieve this.
6.) Many people find sex to be a very sensual experience (in the sense of pleasing to the senses) as separate from a sexual experience. Asexuals can enjoy the way their partners look, feel, taste, smell, and sound in a way that is not necessarily sexual.

None of these reasons for enjoying sex necessarily include any of the others, nor are any of them mutually exclusive. An asexual and an allosexual having sex together (or two asexuals having sex) does not by definition exclude "mutuality," urgency, or both partners being "into it." This might be easier to understand if you consider that an asexual and an allosexual having sex can experience the same level of energy or enthusiasm for different reasons. Both can want with equal intensity to get to the same destination for different reasons. Consider also that when two allosexual partners have sex, they don't necessarily get the same things out of it, though they can both enjoy the experience equally-- for example, some allosexual sex bloggers recount times where, even though they do not orgasm, they enjoy a sexual encounter with a partner, because of the physical pleasure, the emotional intimacy, etc.

The axis along which asexuals and allosexuals differ in the way they experience having sex is, of course, the presence or absence of sexual attraction. This is a hard thing for me to define, since I don't experience it. I think the best way to explain it is by comparing it to other visceral urges or cravings, like hunger or thirst. You can enjoy the taste, presentation and smell of food, enjoy cooking it, enjoy the social aspects of eating it, and overall enjoy eating food, and still never get hungry. You can crave food because it tastes so good or because it's a new recipe that you can't wait to try, without getting hungry.

I don't believe that sexual attraction is the same thing as desire, though this is arguable, and a thoughtful sexual would probably be better at elucidating the difference than I can be. Sexual attraction is a subset of desire, but it's possible to desire your partner along other axes than that of sexual attraction: for example, aesthetic attraction. I'm not sure that allosexual people can necessarily tell the difference between a partner who is really into the sex, and a partner who is sexually attracted to them, assuming that the partner is also invested in their pleasure. I'm certainly willing to believe that many can, of course, but I don't think making the distinction is automatic and easy for everyone.

I understand that many or most allosexual people don't enjoy sex with a partner who's not into them, doesn't want them in some way, and I agree with this-- I also would not want to have sex with a partner who was doing it out of duty, or who wasn't into it in some way. However, being sexually attracted to someone is not the only way of wanting someone, desiring someone, or being enthusiastic about sex. I'm unconvinced that many or most allosexual people do make the distinction, simply because of how hard I usually have to work to explain the distinction between sexual attraction, which asexuals don't experience, and other forms of enthusiasm, desire, or wanting with regards to sex. In my limited experience, allosexual people, who experience all of them, are not used to differentiating between them.

Additionally, asexuals can want to have sex with someone without being sexually attracted to them, which feeds into the variety of types of desire and also affects the urgency present in an asexual-allosexual or asexual-asexual sexual encounter. I would characterize that as a logical decision rather than a craving or a yearning-- if the asexual expects that the sex will be a pleasant experience for all concerned, though "pleasant experience" might be something different for each partner, then it's perfectly reasonable to want to have that encounter. An asexual can think "I believe sex with this person would be good, so I want it when the situation is right" without wanting it right then or feeling sexually attracted to the other person. Some (most? I have no idea) asexuals experience arousal under circumstances similar to foreplay, and the desire to continue feeling good sexually, and/or to have an orgasm, is another axis on which asexuals can experience enthusiasm in, craving for, or urgency with regard to sex.

Now: how representative are the things I have mentioned of the entire community? I really, really don't know. For one thing, some people who don't experience sexual attraction but who enjoy sex may not identify as asexual because there's a very prevalent stereotype out there that asexuals can't or don't like sex-- the first few times I encountered the definition of asexuality, I thought it couldn't possibly fit me since I'm not repulsed. I know of some people who don't experience sexual attraction but who identify as grey-asexual specifically because they desire, or want, some aspects of a sexual relationship, which to me is completely consistent with asexuality. (For example, if I die without ever finding a sexual partner, I'm going to be more upset that I never had a relationship of the type where I personally feel I would like sex-- deep emotional intimacy-- than about the actual lack of sex.) Some asexuals identify as "unusual" asexuals because they like or enjoy sex. This AVEN thread gives an idea of the qualitative difference in what aces enjoy, though keep all the things I just mentioned in mind when reading it. My gut instinct tells me that repulsed asexuals are usually the loudest and most noticeable voice in any ace community, which skews everyone's perceptions of asexuality as a whole. (Also: I do not, overall, recommend the AVEN forums, either for asexuals or as a site for information about asexuality. It can be very informative if you take it in the parameters I just mentioned, but there's also a good deal of anti-sexuality and the conversations tend to be dominated by repulsed asexuals. I've also been told that people have experienced misogyny, cissexism and ableism on the AVEN forums. The wikis are decent, but not everyone agrees with the definitions.)

I hope this has been a helpful explanation, and I want to emphasize that these are all obviously my thoughts; I don't speak for the entire asexual community. However, the opinions and observations I've expressed here have been developed in interaction and dialogue with the asexual community.

EDIT: Oh yeah, I forgot to talk about sexy and hot. I don't know how much my conception of these words is generalizable to other aces, but for me I've never gotten quite what they're supposed to mean. Do they mean you find someone sexually attractive? Or that you think others find someone sexually attractive (for example, telling a good friend zhe looks sexy today even though you're not interested in hir that way)? Do they mean that someone is appearing in a sexualized manner or a manner that connotes that they're interested in sex (which would be extremely problematic)? I know some aces will use these words to denote "pretty" or "appealing, but not in a sexual way" or "someone others probably think is sexy" but I tend to stick with "pretty," since it's usually what I mean anyway.

EDIT TWO: One thing some aces, especially those who identify as indifferent or interested, spend a lot of time doing is figuring out language and clarifying what different things mean. So in my world, not all the words and phrases one can use to talk about sex and the sexual experience are interchangeable. Here are some that, as I understand them, are not:

Being "hot for" a person is not the same thing as being sexually attracted to them, though I suspect sexual people don't distinguish between sexual attraction and the other things this phrase can mean. Being "hot for" someone, to me, means being aroused by someone, especially by engaging in foreplay with them.

Being aroused (or turned on-- I guess the two could be interchangeable, though I see being aroused as a purely physical reaction and turned on as both physical + mental) by a person or situation is not the same thing as being sexually attracted to that person. Asexual people may not experience arousal outside of foreplay as much as sexual people do, which I think is a component of not experiencing sexual attraction.

I would argue that desiring a person is also not the same as experiencing sexual attraction. Desire, however, is a really hard thing for me to define-- and if I'm using wanting a person sexually as a synonym for being sexually attracted to them, where's the cut-off between desiring a person and wanting them?

Sexual intimacy isn't the same thing as experiencing sexual attraction, to me-- possibly because I define sexual intimacy as "the intimacy that comes from having sex with someone." It's entirely possible I'm missing the point.